Thursday, December 04, 2008

*pause*


I need a hug


It started yesterday morning. I can't remember exactly what had triggered it or when it got triggered.

Was it something on TV? Or did it hit me while I was blog-hopping? Or g00gling for recipes? Or during that mere 5 minutes when I logged on to MukaBuku after abandoning it for weeks?

Perhaps it was during my quiet breakfast when I was enjoying my roti paratha cicah gula and a mug of nescafe. Or maybe when I was loading the kids' baju kotor(s) into the washing machine. Or when I was outside feeding the cats?

Perhaps it is just PMS.

Or perhaps it is due to the fact that it is now the month of December and I cannot confidently tell myself that I have done a good job managing my various roles and responsibilities as a muslimah, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Saya rasa kerdil dan kekurangan segala.

Whatever it was that had caused it, the 'feel-down-and-start-moping' switch was turned ON and I don't know how to quickly turn it OFF.

*sigh*

I think I need a break. Maybe I should take some time off to concentrate on abandoned hobby-related projects and catch up on some reading. Ohhh but sebelum itu, saya ingin mohon maaf atas sebarang salah-silap sepanjang hayat saya di blogosfera ini.

Maybe I need to take time off to reflect, evaluate and think, without getting all depressed or sad. Tapi saya masih rasa kerdil dan kekurangan segala. It is not about monetary or material possessions, or not about not being thankful and tak bersyukur dengan apa yang dah ada.

It is about the feeling of not doing enough.

Sometimes I feel that I can never measure up to other peoples' standards. I worry about what others might feel, what others might think (or not think?). I tend to put others before me, making their happiness my priority. I can't help it, it's like a disease. I tell myself biarkanlah, pedulikanlah, tutup mata&telinga jelah, but deep down inside I feel totally the opposite. If there is such a penyakit known as the care-too-much disorder, then I think I have contracted it.

Something doesn't feel right, though.

I think I need to start focussing on me. Maybe that should be one of my new year's resolutions.



Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all Muslim readers. Minta diri dulu, buat sementara waktu. Kita ketemu lagi nanti... errr bila-bilalah ya? Y'all take care now. Jangan naughty-naughty. *hugs*


13 comments:

butterflutter said...

Alamak kita2 geng disini walaupun tak bertemu muka tapi bab2 emosi cepat sungguh effectnya.

Alhamdulillah perkara yg baik yg menyedarkan kita. Wait for my entry lah pulak.

Anak2 I suka kata jom kita 'Huggy wuggy'

mamarawks said...

alala... jgn la sedih gitu babe.. mak buyung cepat pilu sekarang ni.. ari tu baca pasal couple yg rumah diorang kena landslide losing 2 kids as well kita nangis kat opis tanpa segan silu..

meh meh huggy ngan mak buyung meh...

mosh said...

must be the weather... huggy huggy jugak lah ehehe

zan said...

ohhh girlfriend :( *BIG HUGS*

i think not only you who always make the comparison (if i read it correctly)..i pun selalu gak, last2 kita yg tension. So in the end I avoid

1. read blogs yg bagi i tension
2. muka buku yg selalu membuatkan i rasa i'm not a worthy fella

you'r not alone babe and if you need another lunch with us, we are more than happy to have you as our companion...as always!

sayannngggg...*muah*

OndeOnde said...

Zan,

awak sama dgn kita.

- avoid baca blog yg kasi kita tension.

- avoid mukabuku yang buat kita termenung panjang.

to make other people happy is to make diri kita happy dulu...yes, perhaps that hobby related project helps..it always does for me.


HUGSSSSSSSS..........

Nusayba said...

*hugs hugs hugs*

I agree with Zan and OO. STAY AWAY from reading things you know will effect you. I've done that and it has helped me a lot (nevermind if the blog is of a friend ka apa ka, sometimes you just got to do what you got to do).

I don't understand about bukumuka tho. Heh.

Take care babe. Jangan gundah gulana sangat k? (masa doa dalm solat tu, doa for hati tenteram)

atiza said...

selamat menyambut aidil adha :P

Anonymous said...

Sis, HUGS for you.

I will read "La Tahzan" bila I feel down. It never fails to uplift my mood.

Take care and Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha.

HUGS and HUGS and HUGS

Gartblue said...

famy ..

*sob sob sob*

must be the december disease .. I need to cry things off too ... it's okay girlfriend .. we care too much because we care ..

*hugs*

ery kumagai said...

hhmm..kenapa ye? anyway i think must be hormone. either PMS or..."ooohhh..awak peknen eehh.."
thihihi...

cheer up mate! jomm kita pergi bersosial nak? i always agree about me-time. sometimes everybody needs a good time for their own. pegi la memanjakan diri buat massage ke, facial ke, or just a simple new hair cut it would help, i think.
*wink*

Jill said...

sometimes you just need to cry. a good cry makes me feel a whole lot better after ;)

chin up. and hugs.

elisataufik said...

i tak faham, kenapa mukabuku makes you feel tension?
I lepas tension dengan mukabuku.. main sudoku! *mwahahahaha*

one thing I've learnt from hajj lah kan, you really cannot measure yourself against orang lain, cuma kena measure against yourself, what you mampu and paling penting, lillahita'ala.. insya-Allah if you base everything on pleasing Allah, it will naturally please yourself and everyone else. Kalau ada jugak orang tak suka, then pedulikkan.. janji Dia yang penting tu dah gerenti suka.
I am sure you are doing your best famy.
*HUGGGSSSSS*

famygirl said...

*sniff*
thank you all for your encouraging and supportive comments. and the huggy wuggy(s) too! i feel most appreciative. *hugs* balik.

bila pikir balik, it all does boil down to apa yang i nak/boleh expect from the choices i've made. some are good, some even great, tapi ada yang bad ones juga. but it's all part of life, kan? and part of learning too.

i did think of retail therapy (that used to help!), but i got all depressed facing the reality that i do not have the budget nor financial freedom to do so. makin bertambah murung makcik jadinya.

i just need to take time off to recharge-lah. start thinking about next year's plans and whatnot. awal muharram pun dah dekat ni.

bf: agree with you about perkara yang menyedarkan kita. tapi sebab tu sometimes rasa tak cukup usaha

mamaR: *hugs* untuk mak buyung yang hormones-nya tengah tunggang-langgang sekarang ni

mosh: amboi amik kesempatan pulak awak ya :P

sayang zan: it's not really about comparison(s). it's more like suddenly terpikir "what have i accomplished this year??" tu yang stumped tu...

OO: yang peliknya, nak buat hobby-related projects pun macam takde masa. :( time tu lagi rasa tension. *sigh*

PB: thank you dear. gundah-gulana muram-durja semua ada. sampai today i am not still quite sure apa yang meng-trigger emosi2 ini, it's not just 'internet-related' tho.

atiza: selamat hari raya kat awak juga

ipohmom: thank you, dear, for the reminder. i will bukak balik my copy... *hugs*

gart: i think memang betul pun... it's the december disease. kalau nak diikutkan inilah masa untuk appraisals. and i am afraid the ratings are not that good. maybe it's just difficult to rate myself, by myself.

ery: bukan peknen unfortunately. tapi emosi tunggang-terbalik. bak kata gart, maybe it is the penyakit hujung tahun

dory: come cry with me, babe... uwaaaaaa!!!

hajjah elisa: it's a combination of several thingslah i rasa. not specifically blogs, or mukabuku or something i heard or read elsewhere, yang results in the feeling of not doing enough. on top of that, ada health-related family issues and whatnot. hence, the rasa tension yang teramat.

 

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